two objections

In my post yesterday, I wrote something that resonated with me throughout the day. It was something I thought of nearly as I wrote it for the first time. I said that if the light in my son's face was one of the greatest things I ever experienced here or in whatever comes after, that would be okay with me. I'm not looking for something else. I mean...I often am, but I'm pretty skeptical about the idea of a life hereafter that will be the greatest thing I've ever experienced.

I was thinking about some possible objections to that sentiment. One is about all of the shit that humans experience on a daily basis, as in, if one's life is all trash, surely there must be something better coming. The other objection might come from a perspective of belief in or even an experience of the divine that seems to outstrip other great life experiences.

I don't feel very qualified to address the first objection except to say that for many people, I think that the struggle becomes part of the meaning of life. People who live their lives for the betterment of themselves and their own or for the betterment of others--I suspect--are finding a deep sense of purpose and meaning. The path becomes the purpose. Indignation over injustice and hope in the best parts of humanity become a source of life in the here and now that, rather than pointing to a glorious utopia, are themselves the point. The journey is the destination.*

On the second objection, well-founded belief or experience in the divine, I can really only speak from my own experience.

I talked about some of my own charismatic background in my last post. I was quite "on fire" for God. I've started seeing so many of those spiritual experiences in a different light. I don't meant to minimize them. They were profound, but I don't know that what I thought was happening at the time is what was happening.

For example, I was thinking about someone I really bonded with at the church I grew up in. We really connected during a time in which we would lead worship together for a small group of people for a few hours at a time. Near the room we were in, small groups were praying over certain people who had come for prayer. In my head at the time, my friend and I were connecting because we were just loving God so much together. Looking back, I think the connection was definitely happening, but I attribute it much more to our joint musical efforts. Often we would do one song then move into an improvisational time where we were writing refrains and musical lines on the spot. Music is so powerful. Creation is so powerful. Put together two guys who are looking for more than what their world has given them, throw in music and shared space and time and damn. Magic.

I wonder if people are looking for bliss in the hereafter because they can't stop and enjoy the life they're living. If I could have stopped and enjoyed some of my religious experiences for what they were--physical and emotional connection, shared space and time, creating and experiencing art--instead of always having to sanctify things or move on to something else, I wonder if I would have been better situated to love myself and pursue the things I want to do, both of which would be nice.

The word "deconstruction" is popular, so I'll try not to throw it around. But if I had to describe my journey of deconstruction or whatever, it would be learning to love many aspects of my story, but seeing them in a whole new way. I've largely been demythologizing my experience and trying to really enjoy the people, places, and things right in front of me.

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*One of the tenet's of the Knights Radiant in Brandon Sanderson's The Stormlight Archive is "journey before destination." But I think I'm really drawing from some of Martin Luther King Jr. and how he talks about the ends being present in the means. He's making a point about nonviolent resistance, but for me that puts such a supreme importance on now over then. We're not trying to get somewhere. We are somewhere.