mix it all up

So I understand the importance, and even the necessity of, compartmentalizing. It's super helpful and often, I think, probably healthy. Don't bring your work home, etc. I think one could compartmentalize in a healthy way and still live a holistic life. 

I find for myself, however, that I almost have a compulsion toward integration. It's like a have a drive to take all the disparate aspects and interests of my life, throw them all together, and mix them up into a heaping pile of "this is me" all in the hopes of having it validated.

I've noticed this especially in my use of media. I want to see (some) of what my friends/family post. I want to see content from fandoms, authors, and artists that I like. I also want to see work stuff and whatever else tickles my fancy.

But I also want to throw all of those various aspects of myself out there (maybe). I've convinced myself, though, that I cannot. I'm not sure what it is.

For one thing, I tend see the both sides of everything to a fault. Before I ever post anything vaguely political or arguable in anyway, I usually internet-troll or crazy-Republican-aunt myself down into submission.

When I was an "on fire" Christian, I would post passages from the Bible but would hardly ever post commentary. Argue with that!

I would also say that I have a mortal fear of being corrected. Constructive criticism? No thanks. Helpful advice? I'm good.

The dread I feel when I need help or discover that I might not have what it takes to do x, y, or z is similar to the other reason why I('ve convinced myself) I cannot be open with who I am in the world. Everyone say it with me: "shame!" Whether it's my body, my skills, or my opinions, I think I'm often just fucking ashamed to be me. Add on to that my sundering from my whole religious foundation over the last few years and...

So I'll continue to compartmentalize in maybe some unhealthy ways, like taking a blog meant to be that beautiful mixture of interests described above and splitting into two. One is fun and full of book reviews and interesting fandom thoughts, and the other is what you're reading now. Because I sure as hell don't want anyone close to me or who knew me in a former life to read this.